I can’t even get comfortable when I lie down and I also think I have a bruise in this one spot where she likes to press and press her little foot

I am 32.5 weeks pregnant, and I don’t want to talk about it.



And I got a new haircut!

Yes, yes, thank you, I look so small, blah blah blah, but believe me, I do not FEEL small. Let’s just say that there is no position in which I can be comfortable and leave it at that, OK?

Instead, let’s talk about the thing we talk about when we’re not talking about being pregnant. The Movie! Remember The Movie? That I started telling you about? Well, I think it’s time to find out the answers to some of those burning questions I left you with. I think I should start with the origins of Crayon’s SUPER COOL nickname.

Ostensibly, it was because Crayon was an artist, but if I am going to be honest with you, the truth is that she was an artist only to give me the excuse of using “Crayon” as a nickname. I loved the name Carolyn, but I really loved the nickname Crayon. I mean, who wouldn’t? It was SUPER COOL. (Note: I am not, nor have I ever aspired to be, an artist. It was just a SUPER COOL nickname.) I do, however, want you to file away the fact that Crayon was an artist, because it is an important plot device for The Movie’s climax.

Dun dun dunnnnnnn.

So when we left off, Kasey had just transferred to a new high school and had met Vicki, the flakey lead guitarist in the band “The Dreamers.” Vicki was also a track star, because my sister, cousins and I were all about smashing stereotypes, and we didn’t want yet another “flakey cheerleader” character out there. We were innovators. No predictable, formulaic plots for us, as you will soon see. Or needless melodrama. Our plot was most definitely not melodramatic.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; before we can get to any of the drama, melo- or not, Kasey has to meet the rest of The Dreamers: Kim, the snobby rich keyboardist, and Carolyn, the quiet, shy drummer who was also an artist and whom everyone called “Crayon,” a nickname widely recognized as being SUPER COOL. After making friends with everyone, Kasey agreed to become the lead singer of The Dreamers, and the band arranged a practice at Crayon’s house.

The day of the first practice, Kasey showed up at Crayon’s house and was greeted by none other than Crayon’s older brother, Dan (played by C. Thomas Howell.) Sparks flew. Then some other stuff happened I guess, but this is the point at which we stopped writing scenes in order and started writing scenes somewhat at random with plans to put them in order later. So all I can tell you is that, before long, Kasey and Dan were a thing.

In fact, all four of our characters had boyfriends. I don’t remember any of the other boyfriends’ names, but I can tell you that Kim’s boyfriend was to be played by Rob Lowe and Vicki’s was Matt Dillon. Sadly, I don’t remember who played my boyfriend, because my cousin had already claimed Matt Dillon. (As the youngest, I got last picks for famous fake boyfriends, and as a nine-year-old, I wasn’t really that into it anyway.) It was probably either Ralph Macchio or Patrick Swayze. Or Emilo Estevez; maybe it was Emilio Estevez. Well whoever it was, we can be reasonably certain that he was in The Outsiders.*

One of the scenes we wrote at this point was the “spaghetti scene,” for although our movie was a very serious drama, even the most serious drama needs a little comedy to lighten the mood. Vicki, the flake, was our source for comedic relief, and the spaghetti scene was her time to shine. In it, Vicki arrived home with her boyfriend, Matt Dillon, only to find the house empty and a note from one of her several big brothers asking her to make spaghetti for dinner. The note included specific instructions on how to make spaghetti, but neglected to mention that Vicki should take the spaghetti out of the box before boiling it. Since we had trouble distinguishing between “kind of a flake” and “complete and utter moron,” hilarity ensued.

But the best of all of the scenes we wrote during this time were the love scenes. Each of us was responsible for writing a love scene for our characters, and we took it very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that we wouldn’t let each other read them.

I’ll pause for a moment while you let that sink in: We wouldn’t let our co-authors read our love scenes.

I know. It’s my favorite thing to remember about The Movie. This would probably have caused a bit of an issue when the time came to put the scenes in order; but, somehow, that time never came. I’ll tell you what did happen, though. My character’s mother made her first appearance in my love scene – and yes, that does sound unbelievably icky, but it’s because my scene took place at my character’s house, and Ralph (or Patrick or Emilio or Johnny) merely said hello to my mother on his way down to the basement, which is where Crayon’s art studio was. But I therefore had to give my mother a name, and I settled on “Martha” because, to me, it sounded matronly.

So a few days after I wrote my love scene (which pretty much boiled down to a tasteful kiss), my sister, who played Kasey, asked me, “Why did you name your mother ‘Martha’?”

“I don’t know,” I said, defensively. “It’s a good mom name!” and she let the matter drop.

Three or four days after this exchange, a thought struck me. “HEY!” I said to my sister. “How did YOU know my mother’s name was ‘Martha’?” Because remember, we weren’t supposed to read each other’s love scenes. So clearly, my sister had BETRAYED MY SACRED TRUST and read my scene in secret. But I caught her! I had figured it out! And it only took me four days! I got my revenge, though, because I read hers too. You hear that, Big Sister #4? I read YOUR love scene too! Nyah nyah!

Ahem.

Well, I think that is enough to tide you over till the third and final installment of The Movie, in which I discuss the climax, reveal The Movie’s title (S.A.D.D.) and tell you its Very Special Message (bet you can’t guess!). Also, someone dies.

*Unless it was Johnny Depp. It might have been Johnny Depp.

Edited to add: My new haircut is much cuter than that picture suggests. It's not quite so Dorothy Hamill in real life.