The Movie, Part III: A complete lack of melodrama

If you’re new to The Movie, acquaint yourself with Parts I and II here and here.

I have to start off Part III of The Movie by telling you that the alter-egos of Kim, Kasey and Vicki have read my movie posts, and Kim informs me that, in fact, Johnny Depp was HER boyfriend. So she wins in the fake boyfriend department. Vicki comes in second with a still-cute Matt Dillon, and I bring up the rear. “But wait!” you are saying. “Aren’t you forgetting that Kasey’s fake boyfriend was C. Thomas Howell? How could yours be worse?”

Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because my fake boyfriend was – wait for it – Huey Lewis. HUEY LEWIS. With almost the entire cast of The Outsiders from which to choose, I went with Huey Lewis. What was I thinking? I’ll tell you what I was thinking, I was thinking, “I’m only nine and know no famous people, but I really like ‘The Heart of Rock ‘n’ Roll*,’ so…”

All of our fake boyfriends were originally claimed in a game we called “Boarding School,” in which we pretended we were the teenaged children of famous parents and thus went to boarding school. Naturally, we also all had famous boyfriends. My parents were Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. Since I have just been reminded that Huey Lewis was my boyfriend, I looked both him and Billy Joel up on IMDB. Billy Joel was born in 1949. Huey Lewis? 1950. It must have been awkward the first time I brought him home, huh?

But I digress.

When we last left off, all four main characters had had their top secret love scenes committed to paper and at least two of these scenes had been desecrated by prying sisters’ eyes. All that was left was to write part of the movie that had any relevance to moving the plot along. For example, we knew that Crayon’s and Dan’s father was a workaholic with essentially no personal relationship with his children. It was very “Cat’s in the Cradle.” There were no actual scenes with Dan’s father depicting his estrangement, but we the screenwriters knew about it, and that’s really all that mattered.

The major theme of The Movie, however, was Drunk Driving and how It Is Bad. The theme came into play in several parts of the movie. Kasey’s parents, for example, were killed by a drunk driver, and that’s why she had moved in with her grandmother at the beginning of the movie. And I am just now remembering a scene at a bowling alley with almost the entire cast, including Vicki’s three or four older brothers, one of whom was played by Patrick Swayze and who was written as a very intimidating guy prone to angry outbursts such as the one that happened at the bowling alley which I will now paraphrase from memory:

KIM’S BOYFRIEND PLAYED BY JOHHNY DEPP: (amidst general friendly hubbub) Oh, man! I know! I can’t believe how drunk those guys got!

PATRICK SWAYZE: (angrily) Oh, you think it’s funny do you? When people drink and drive?

JOHNNY DEPP: (nervously) Hey, man, calm down!

PATRICK SWAYZE: Calm down? CALM DOWN? You expect me to calm down when my best friend was just recently killed by a drunk driver? And yet here I am yukking it up at a bowling alley with my far younger sister and her friends? And you all seem unaware of my best friend’s recent tragic death?

(a hush falls over the crowd broken by Crayon, who had not been paying attention)

CRAYON: Seventy-five dollars for a sweater? Kim, that is absolutely ridic- (notices the silence, blushes, and starts rummaging in her purse, mumbling) Where IS that cheese?

Patrick’s and Johnny’s lines are not verbatim, but they do represent the spirit of The Movie. In particular, in this scene, Patrick’s character exhibits a habit typical of all the characters in the movie, that of suddenly bursting out with critical, emotionally charged information with absolutely no warning. Crayon’s line at the end IS verbatim. It came back to me while I was typing the scene and is the comedic relief to ease the tension.

OK. So are you with me? We have now introduced the primary theme of drunk driving and you have been made aware of the situation with Dan and Crayon’s father. I can now reveal to you the opening scene of the movie, which was Dan and Crayon’s father standing at an as-yet unidentified grave, holding a piece of paper, and giving a speech about how he wishes he had paid more attention and been around when he had the chance. We hadn’t quite gotten around to writing his speech, but it was definitely going to be very moving and touching. And as he turns to leave, he drops the paper, which wafts slowly down in a breeze while the title card appears. The title of the movie was S.A.D.D., and as the scene fades to black, the paper turns and we see it is a child’s drawing of a daisy which becomes part of the movie’s title art.



And… scene.

This brings us to the climax of the movie, which is Dan, Crayon, and Vicki in a car, singing along to Don McLean’s “American Pie,” when out of nowhere, a car plows into them and causes a terrible crash. And after the sounds of squealing brakes and crunching metal have faded, the camera zooms in on the pile of twisted metal that is all that remains of Dan’s car and you hear the faint sounds of the song's refrain:

The good ol’ boys are drinking whiskey and rye
Singing “This’ll be the day that I die.”

CUT TO BLACK.

The next scene was a funeral, and as the camera pans across the mourners we see Kim, Kasey, Vicki (she’s not dead!)… and Crayon (also not dead!). This means that Dan, I’m sorry to tell you, is in the coffin. And… is that a bandage on Crayon’s right hand? HER DRAWING HAND?

Yes, Dan’s car was hit by a drunk driver, and he was killed instantly. Crayon was OK except for the severe injury in her right hand which means she can never draw again. Her SUPER COOL nickname is now fraught with painful irony! Vicki escaped entirely unscathed save for a scratch on her nose.

Don’t think about it too hard, you’ll get a headache.

All this means of course that in the opening scene, the dad was standing at Dan’s grave, and the drawing of the daisy was one that Dan had made for him back when he was little. When he still cared.

Like I said, no melodrama whatsoever.

So remember: Drunk Driving Is Bad.

And also: Don’t Spend Your Life At The Office And Miss Out On Your Children Because It May One Day Be Too Late.

And finally: If Your Best Friend Was Just Killed And You Are Still Angry About It, Perhaps The Bowling Alley With Your Younger Sister’s Friends Is Not The Best Place To Be.

*And I still do. UH. Heart of rock ‘n’ roll still beatin’. In Cleveland.**

**DETROIT!

I can’t even get comfortable when I lie down and I also think I have a bruise in this one spot where she likes to press and press her little foot

I am 32.5 weeks pregnant, and I don’t want to talk about it.



And I got a new haircut!

Yes, yes, thank you, I look so small, blah blah blah, but believe me, I do not FEEL small. Let’s just say that there is no position in which I can be comfortable and leave it at that, OK?

Instead, let’s talk about the thing we talk about when we’re not talking about being pregnant. The Movie! Remember The Movie? That I started telling you about? Well, I think it’s time to find out the answers to some of those burning questions I left you with. I think I should start with the origins of Crayon’s SUPER COOL nickname.

Ostensibly, it was because Crayon was an artist, but if I am going to be honest with you, the truth is that she was an artist only to give me the excuse of using “Crayon” as a nickname. I loved the name Carolyn, but I really loved the nickname Crayon. I mean, who wouldn’t? It was SUPER COOL. (Note: I am not, nor have I ever aspired to be, an artist. It was just a SUPER COOL nickname.) I do, however, want you to file away the fact that Crayon was an artist, because it is an important plot device for The Movie’s climax.

Dun dun dunnnnnnn.

So when we left off, Kasey had just transferred to a new high school and had met Vicki, the flakey lead guitarist in the band “The Dreamers.” Vicki was also a track star, because my sister, cousins and I were all about smashing stereotypes, and we didn’t want yet another “flakey cheerleader” character out there. We were innovators. No predictable, formulaic plots for us, as you will soon see. Or needless melodrama. Our plot was most definitely not melodramatic.

But I’m getting ahead of myself; before we can get to any of the drama, melo- or not, Kasey has to meet the rest of The Dreamers: Kim, the snobby rich keyboardist, and Carolyn, the quiet, shy drummer who was also an artist and whom everyone called “Crayon,” a nickname widely recognized as being SUPER COOL. After making friends with everyone, Kasey agreed to become the lead singer of The Dreamers, and the band arranged a practice at Crayon’s house.

The day of the first practice, Kasey showed up at Crayon’s house and was greeted by none other than Crayon’s older brother, Dan (played by C. Thomas Howell.) Sparks flew. Then some other stuff happened I guess, but this is the point at which we stopped writing scenes in order and started writing scenes somewhat at random with plans to put them in order later. So all I can tell you is that, before long, Kasey and Dan were a thing.

In fact, all four of our characters had boyfriends. I don’t remember any of the other boyfriends’ names, but I can tell you that Kim’s boyfriend was to be played by Rob Lowe and Vicki’s was Matt Dillon. Sadly, I don’t remember who played my boyfriend, because my cousin had already claimed Matt Dillon. (As the youngest, I got last picks for famous fake boyfriends, and as a nine-year-old, I wasn’t really that into it anyway.) It was probably either Ralph Macchio or Patrick Swayze. Or Emilo Estevez; maybe it was Emilio Estevez. Well whoever it was, we can be reasonably certain that he was in The Outsiders.*

One of the scenes we wrote at this point was the “spaghetti scene,” for although our movie was a very serious drama, even the most serious drama needs a little comedy to lighten the mood. Vicki, the flake, was our source for comedic relief, and the spaghetti scene was her time to shine. In it, Vicki arrived home with her boyfriend, Matt Dillon, only to find the house empty and a note from one of her several big brothers asking her to make spaghetti for dinner. The note included specific instructions on how to make spaghetti, but neglected to mention that Vicki should take the spaghetti out of the box before boiling it. Since we had trouble distinguishing between “kind of a flake” and “complete and utter moron,” hilarity ensued.

But the best of all of the scenes we wrote during this time were the love scenes. Each of us was responsible for writing a love scene for our characters, and we took it very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that we wouldn’t let each other read them.

I’ll pause for a moment while you let that sink in: We wouldn’t let our co-authors read our love scenes.

I know. It’s my favorite thing to remember about The Movie. This would probably have caused a bit of an issue when the time came to put the scenes in order; but, somehow, that time never came. I’ll tell you what did happen, though. My character’s mother made her first appearance in my love scene – and yes, that does sound unbelievably icky, but it’s because my scene took place at my character’s house, and Ralph (or Patrick or Emilio or Johnny) merely said hello to my mother on his way down to the basement, which is where Crayon’s art studio was. But I therefore had to give my mother a name, and I settled on “Martha” because, to me, it sounded matronly.

So a few days after I wrote my love scene (which pretty much boiled down to a tasteful kiss), my sister, who played Kasey, asked me, “Why did you name your mother ‘Martha’?”

“I don’t know,” I said, defensively. “It’s a good mom name!” and she let the matter drop.

Three or four days after this exchange, a thought struck me. “HEY!” I said to my sister. “How did YOU know my mother’s name was ‘Martha’?” Because remember, we weren’t supposed to read each other’s love scenes. So clearly, my sister had BETRAYED MY SACRED TRUST and read my scene in secret. But I caught her! I had figured it out! And it only took me four days! I got my revenge, though, because I read hers too. You hear that, Big Sister #4? I read YOUR love scene too! Nyah nyah!

Ahem.

Well, I think that is enough to tide you over till the third and final installment of The Movie, in which I discuss the climax, reveal The Movie’s title (S.A.D.D.) and tell you its Very Special Message (bet you can’t guess!). Also, someone dies.

*Unless it was Johnny Depp. It might have been Johnny Depp.

Edited to add: My new haircut is much cuter than that picture suggests. It's not quite so Dorothy Hamill in real life.

Let's not talk about pregnancy

I’ve been going on about pregnancy so much lately that I’ve started to bore myself. So let’s change the subject, shall we? Instead of listening to me whinge about my poor aching back and squished organs, let’s all make fun of my pre-adolescent self.

Did I ever tell you about The Movie? Why, I don’t believe I did. Back in the day, my sister, my two cousins and I decided to write a movie. At the time, I was ten, my cousins were eleven and twelve, and my sister was thirteen. The four of us used to play together all the time, but were at the start of a somewhat awkward era wherein I still wanted to play pretend games but my sister had moved on to more teenager-y things like an obsession with The Outsiders. Our cousins were of two minds. So as a compromise, we decided to write a movie. How was this a compromise you ask? Well, I’ll tell you: Because our particular style of “writing” was to act out the scenes (or, as some might say, “make pretend”) and then write down what we said. It was much more efficient that way, even if we sometimes forgot to do the writing down part.

While we fully intended to actually produce this movie, we were realistic. We knew that we were young and it would probably take us a few years to get a final draft, so we planned to ask our school’s eighth grade teacher to edit it for us when I was in the eighth grade, in four years. (My sister was in the eighth grade at the plan’s inception.)

So once we decided to write this thing, we got right down to business and developed the cast list. The four main characters would naturally be played by us, but here’s a sampling of the rest of the cast:
Matt Dillon
Patrick Swayze
C. Thomas Howell
Ralph Macchio
Rob Lowe
Most of the rest of the cast of The Outsiders
Johnny Depp
Holly Robinson
That other guy who was on 21 Jump Street
Etc.

(Why yes, we were writing this in the late eighties, why do you ask?)

The next step was to come up with a plot, and it was a good one. The theme would be drunk driving. (We were against it.) The four main characters were named Carolyn (me), Vicki (my cousin), Kim (my cousin), and Kasey (my sister). The premise was that Carolyn, whose nickname is “Crayon”, Vicki and Kim are juniors in a high school and also members of a band called “The Dreamers” whose singer just quit. (Also, for what it’s worth, a band whose set list is suspiciously identical to the Go-Go’s Beauty and the Beat.) Kasey transfers to the school, makes friends, and – what a coincidence – is a singer!

And with this cliffhanger – Will Kasey join the band? Will Kasey start dating Carolyn’s brother, played by C. Thomas Howell? Will we learn the origin of Carolyn’s SUPER COOL nickname? – I will leave the story for now. It’s been a long long day. But never fear, I will be back to answer all your burning questions.

Oh, and last week I took a belly shot of me at 28 weeks.


Mr. Pickles in the house!