Monday, March 24, 2008

Change of tone

This year, my choir sang “Still Her Little Child” for the Easter Vigil. Had I ever heard this song before I had Jack, I would have thought it very nice and probably been slightly touched. Now? I get choked up 4 out of 5 times and have to stop singing to compose myself. I can usually hold it together until we get to the third verse, but if the line “When they shouted, ‘Crucify Him!’/He was still her little child” doesn’t get me, the line “When she held his broken body/He was still her little child” does. I just can’t help imagining myself in Mary’s place, holding my baby’s broken body, and it’s all I can do not to break down and cry.

I guess this is the thing that people try to tell you about before you have a child, but they can’t explain it, this feeling of having a piece of yourself walking around in the world. I knew I would love Jack, of course, but I think that, until I heard the lyrics to this song, I didn’t fully realize that I would love him this much – this much and more – forever and ever.

A few months ago, I took Jack to the playground. I let him loose, and he ran after the pigeons in utter delight, stopping only occasionally to see where I was. The feeling of pride I had while watching him fearlessly explore the world so independently was so strong it was almost tangible, and I was shocked by the power of it. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I have one or two fairly impressive accomplishments under my belt, yet I have never felt as proud of myself as I did of him at that moment when all he was doing was running across the playground all by himself.

With all of these new and profound feelings has come a better understanding of God’s love for us and of Mary’s sacrifice as well as her son’s. Until having my own baby, I didn’t really know what it meant that God had given us his son. I still don’t really understand now that I am a parent, but I think I am a tiny bit closer to the truth of it, and this understanding is like a bonus gift from God on top of the astonishing gift that is Jack himself.

I hope everyone had a Happy Easter. I definitely did.


Anonymous said...

Nothing I think to type sounds nearly as profound as your post, Maureen.

But I sometimes think that one of the reasons God places such strong desires within us to have children and families is so he can bring us closer to understanding all he did for us as Savior.

Happy Easter! Also, please warn me the next time you are going to post something that is going to make me cry. :)

Becca said...

Really wonderful post, Maureen! I felt the same way this Easter and I'm sure had our choir sung that song I would have been a total disaster.

Thank you for a very honest and relatable post!

Becca said...

Oh! And he looks absolutely adorable in his Easter suit! What a cutiepie.