Friday, May 28, 2010

I only ever read one fashion magazine anyway

You know what I find increasingly annoying? To the point where I may have to give up my free subscription to Glamour? It’s the way no one in fashion magazines ever simply PUTS SOMETHING ON. No, they must “throw” it on. Always. Big fancy dinner to attend? Throw on a little black dress! Need a day-to-night look? Throw on a pair of heels with your skinny jeans! Want a go-to cool summery outfit? Throw on a skirt and a t-shirt!

I get that it’s supposed to convey a sense of casualness and breezy confidence, but it starts to really grate on the nerves after the thousandth usage, in part because the problem is exacerbated by the way no one can “put” something in their bag. They “toss” it. With breezy confidence. For example, that day-to-night look I spoke of above? It requires that you toss some bright lipstick in your bag. That way, you can throw it on when you get to the restaurant. Gaaaah.

It would be fine if the “throwing” and “tossing” were intermingled with more typical verbs, but they are not. EVERY INSTANCE is either “throw” or “toss.” And this is a fashion magazine, so there are a lot of instances. Multiple instances on a single page, even. It reminds me of a terrible book I read called Odd Mom Out in which the main character consistently “grabbed” things instead of “getting” them. As in, “I decided to go for a run so I grabbed my iPod and headed out the door,” or “I really needed a break, so I grabbed my motorcycle helmet and went out for a ride,” or “I came down for breakfast and grabbed some cereal from the cabinet.” At first I didn’t notice it, but by the end of the book I could barely read the story because I was so distracted by counting how many times she grabbed something. Sometimes, it’s OK to just GET some cereal, you know?

I’ve now had this post sitting in Word for a couple of days, and I keep rereading it, trying to decide whether or not it’s horribly dull. But then I think, “Who wouldn’t want to read a snotty rant about English language usage?” So I am going to post it anyway, dull or not. You’re welcome!

But I shall end by explaining why, exactly, I have a free subscription to Glamour in the first place. See, about a year ago, I got a copy of Domino in the mail, along with a cheery note saying something along the lines of, “Here’s that free subscription to Domino you asked for!” Interestingly, I had never requested a free subscription to Domino. In fact, I had never heard of Domino. It turned out to be a design magazine featuring photographs of lovely rooms containing many items I could never in a million years afford. As a bonus, it was really really boring. But then! I got a sad note in the mail saying, “We regret to inform you that Domino is closing up shop and will no longer be published. So we are forced to replace your free subscription with a free subscription to Glamour. We are so so sorry! We are weeping!”

But here’s the thing: Glamour is my fun magazine! The only reason I didn’t already have a subscription is that I like to have a magazine to choose when I’m in the drugstore and am in the mood to treat myself. And now that I’ve told you this story, I realize it was not a good way to end this blog post after all, as it leaves unanswered the question of WHY I got a free magazine subscription in the first place. Unfortunately, that is a mystery that will have to remain unsolved, because I’m afraid that if I start calling around to find out why they’re sending me a free magazine, they will STOP sending me a free magazine, and then I’ll have to throw on a jacket, grab my purse, and go down to the drugstore to buy one for myself. And we can’t have that.


Annie said...

Haha! This is the funniest thing I've seen all day. Thank you for lightening things up around here. I know what you mean - things like that drive me CRAZY! The worst part? There are things that *I* say all the time that drive me crazy and I KNOW that if I'm driving myself crazy then it's not good for how others are feeling! Gah!

Anonymous said...

Good one, Maureen.
Your Anonymous Mom

Swistle said...

Other verbs that drive me crazy: "rock," as in "Celebrity rocked such-and-such a look/dress/style"; "feasted" as in "Anyone famous ate ANYTHING AT ALL"; and "ballooned" as in "Anyone famous gained ANY WEIGHT AT ALL, even while pregnant."

Krizzzz said...

"Sweep on" your favorite eyeshadow, and "slick on" some lip gloss, and you're ready to go!

Having a bad hair day? Just "sweep" it into a low ponytail and you're good to go!

OK, where's my eyeshadow? Does this actually work on me? Don't I need a brush, or something? Lip gloss? I used to have some that I liked, but I hear shimmer is out. Is this it? Does this look OK? Gah, Elvira. Bad hair day! Do I have any ponytail holders that don't make me look like I'm twelve? Or out for a jog? I used to jog. Can I wear a scrunchie? I always used to until suddenly I read something in a fashion magazine about how scrunchies are evil. OK, got ponytail. Looks stubby, not sleek and flowy. And what about bad bangs? Oh, right -- "Sleek back with some hair gel and wear headband or flirty barrettes." Um, can't wear headbands because of five-head and cowlicks, and can't wear flirty barrettes because I'm going to work and also NOT TWELVE.

"Five-minute beauty routine" and all its attendant inadequate-making terminology (fashion FAIL) can go jump in a lake.

Rah said...

Great post! My un-favorite: "Pop." I would like to hear any interior designer in any magazine or on any television show to speak one sentence about a room they've designed without using the word "pop." Can a [color, pillow, fill in the blank] ever give a room pinache, energize, or catch the eye, or do something besides pop?

Thank you for the outlet.