Saturday, December 11, 2010

A few things

First of all, it is of vital importance that I document the fact that Nora thinks that “Nope” means “Yes.” Why, yes! This IS very confusing! But I don’t mind, because it is also hilarious. And we’re getting more and more used to it, so the lag time between her telling us “No” and our understanding that she means “Yes” is getting shorter.

My favorite part is the way she gets the intonation exactly perfect, if only she were saying “Yes.” Today she called out “Treat! Treat! Treeaaaaattttt!” from the car seat. I asked her if she dropped her granola bar, and she plaintively cried, “Noooooooooooooope!” So I stopped the car and got out to get her granola bar, which she had dropped. Like she said.

And since I’m writing things that need to be documented, have I mentioned how she loves to blow zerberts on my belly button? Which she calls a “butt”? Not because she has the anatomy wrong, but because that’s how she says “button.” She’s doing it right now, as I type this. “Butt? Butt? Butt?” she is saying, while tugging at my shirt. Now she is putting her ice cold hands on my belly and going “Woooooooo!” And now she is blowing zerberts. And now she is biting me. Excuse me whilst I put her uselessly in time out, a hilarious game she finds highly entertaining.

Second of all, Nora’s current favorite book is Goodnight, Gorilla, and I love reading it with her because when we get to the page where the lights are out and all the animals say “Good night,” Nora does the voices. SHE DOES THE VOICES.

Yes, I will attempt to get it on video, but she is remarkably uncooperative with such things.

So that brings me to the issue of my glasses. How does it do that? Do not trouble me with details. It brings me here. That is all you need to know. Many months ago, after Nora repeatedly broke my glasses and my optician closed the branch in the next town over, I decided it would be wise to have a back up pair of glasses that I don’t hate. Since Swistle had such recent success with Zenni Optical, I figured I’d give them a try.

Now. I have been wearing glasses for… let’s see… carry the two… twenty-four years. In the course of those twenty-four years, I have made my fair share of unfortunate glasses choices, like when I was eleven and picked out the exact same pair my mother wore. (I’m not trying to put down my mother here, it’s just that glasses suitable for a grown woman are not necessarily the best choice for a eleven-year-old girl.) Even worse was the entire period between 1989 and 1993, when everyone decided that oversized glasses were flattering. Note: They were not.

The Era of Huge Glasses was particularly hard on me because I have an abnormally tiny face. On the upside, it was photographic evidence from the period that made this fact clear to me. Well, the photographic evidence combined with having to push my enormous glasses back up my nose unceasingly for four straight years.

And this brings us once again to the issue of my new glasses. When I started choosing frames at Zenni Optical, I tried to first measure my current glasses, which I love, so that I could find glasses at Zenni of a similar size. I even looked up my current frames online to see if they listed measurements. It was then that I learned that the “JB” in my frame style number, “JB-2701,” stands for “Jelly Bean.” (Insert ominous foreshadowy music here.)

I ordered two pairs of glasses and a pair of sunglasses. It did… not go well.

Current pair. Love!

Purple pair. Not so much with the love!

Blue pair. Gaaaaahhhh!

Sunglasses. Photo included for completeness.

Note the way the new glasses make my face appear shrunken within them, so that the sides of my face outside the glasses do not line up with the sides of my face inside the glasses. "Deformed face" is not typically a look I aim for when selecting eyeware, so this was kind of an issue.

I sent back the blue pair. I kept the purple pair, because Zenni only refunds 50% of the cost of the glasses anyway and I need an emergency back up pair. But I don't wear them or anything. And I don’t think I’ll be buying glasses online again because I clearly need to try on the glasses first. The experience made me wonder how I found such small frames in the first place, so I went back to the website that listed the style of my current frames, only to discover that the glasses I am wearing on my face right this very second, the Jelly Bean 2701s, are children’s frames. I have to buy CHILDREN'S FRAMES. To fit my freakishly tiny face.

In summary, I will now tell you the joke for grown-ups that Jack taught to me, because he specifically requested I tell it to all the grown-ups I know. It goes:

Knock knock! Who’s there? House. House who? House interrupted.

HAHAHA! (Don’t worry; if you don’t get it, it just means you’re not a grown-up.)

Completely off-topic, what do you all think of that shirt I am wearing? I bought it because it fit so well when I tried it on, and it was only $7. I bought two, actually. But I am having second thoughts about those layered ruffle things. So am I pulling that shirt off? If it helps, only look at the picture of me in my normal glasses, since you won't be distracted by my deformed face or my incredibly awkward "casual" pose with my arm out to the side.


Unknown said...

I was just admiring your blouse in the photos, so yes, I think you are pulling it off. Um, so to speak. And thanks for sharing about the frames debacle. I have the same problem with the shrunken temples look. I always blamed it on the strength of my lenses. Maybe I should look at child-sized frames next time?

A'Dell said...

I have always wondered who can buy glasses online because it's the kind of thing I hem and haw over for WEEKS before deciding. It is not uncommon for me to spend upwards of two hours at a time trying them on.

Salome Ellen said...

I agree you are rocking the shirt. And I personally like the "larger" frames (on me), but then I have a demonstrably large head.

Krizzzz said...

I had the Deformed Face issue with a pair of glasses I tried before this pair, when I tried to branch out of my usual shape. You know -- go a little more rectangular so as to balance my Oval with a Strong Chin thing. It was not a success, what with the Deformed Face and the dizziness and headaches and nausea from the way the lenses got distorted at the sides. Back to my usual shape, more or less.

I'm enjoying the shirt, and also envious of your ability to manage peachy colored ruffles, which I think are very cute but absolutely canNOT wear without looking like an Easter egg gone awry. Something about being short and round, methinks. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hey "Little Face", keep the shirt. The glasses are funny.
Love from your anonymous Mom.

Unknown said...

I cannot believe that you didn't link your "freakishly small face" phrase to your "freakishly large shoulders" post. And, FWIW, the blouse is nice, the glasses aren't great, but not awful.

Joy said...

Cute blouse!
Decent back-up glasses, funny joke, and great Nora-isms!

Swistle said...

No, no, no, HERE is how you buy glasses online:

1. Go try on glasses in a store. Surreptitiously make confusing little sketches of various shapes that look good and shapes that don't, along with confusing little notes like "DON'T BISECT EYEBAGS." Write down the number on the earpiece, something like a 50 or 40 or 60 or I forget but like that and not like "450-B" or "2."

2. Go to Zenni and buy, I mean it, a dozen pairs. This assumes your prescription is simple enough for the $8 frames. Then with shipping you'll have spent $100 (for comparison, I spent $240 on ONE pair of glasses from WALMART, and the earpieces catch and rip out my hair every time I wear them), and 2 of the 12 pairs will be great and will then be "$50 each" (huge bargain for glasses), and the remaining 10 pairs will make a comical blog post and a very nice donation to one of those charities that collects used glasses.

Anonymous said...

Have you tried Microshapes? They're more expensive. However, they are designed specifically for the "petite" face. So yeah, for those of us with tiny faces. Seriously, they are well worth the price. (And they last forever. I've had my current set for 10 years now!)

Heather R said...

I just laughed SO hard when I read the part about the deformed face and then I went back to look at the photos again. I didn't notice the first time I looked at the pictures, but once you pointed it out it was hilarious! I really wanted to see photos of you from '89 with the huge glasses though!